You've Been
In Japan Too Long!
When....
First thing Saturday morning, you head to Shibuya to check
the prices of orange hair dye. If you are
over 65 then the blue hair dye is your dye
of choice.
Corn or cuttle fish on pizza don't phase you!
You strongly believe that The Southern All-Stars really
are one of the greatest bands of all time.
It doesn't bother you too much when total strangers open
your front door if you don't answer it right away.
Having all the local mail in English come to your house
no longer makes you angry. You keep what you can use,
and pass along what you don't want to the
neighbours.
Shogi what a great family game!
You have index cards you hand out when you go back home
to answer all of the inane questions you must deal with
in alphabetical order: the food question,
the where do you live question, the do you use chopsticks question
You have the same cards in Japanese.
It doesn't bother you to take a piss at a urinal where everyone
can see you.
Having someone wearing white gloves shove you into a crowded
train is a wonderful way to start your day off right.
You cannot count the number of times you have performed,
"My Way," to uproarious applause at various Karaoke Bars all over
the Japanese archipelago.
Cold fish eyes staring up at you, raw egg on rice and miso
soup, ah breakfast in Japan! Too bad I drank so much last night!
Excuse me, I think I'm gonna be blah!!!!!!!!
You love the Yakimo song and think it should be in the top
ten.
People making loud slurping noises at the local ramen shop
don't bother you anymore. In fact, as your divorce has just
come through, you scout the local ramen
shops for potential girlfriends.
You forget simple English words like, "counter," or "broom,"
and your friends have been here too long as well, as they
don't suggest getting an MRI.
You give a salaryman's best back suck when someone asks
you a difficult question, and say "Oh my Gott!" at parties
trying to fit in with your Japanese pals.
You find it difficult to say "no," instead saying something
like: "It is difficult."
You no longer get belted by the taxi door when it opens
automatically.
To get off a crowded train you think it is normal behaviour
to push 5 total strangers out of your way if they don't move.
You have mastered the "flying V" a technique for warding
off obatalian as you drive for the final seat on the Yamanote line.
You bow on the phone.
You think a night out in Roppongi is an interesting cultural
exchange experience.
You speak Japanese to the neighbourhood pets.
You no longer find pornography at the local coffee shop
objectionable.
You still think natto tastes like dog vom, but you can now
discuss it like a rational human being even pointing out some of
its' health benefits.
When you retire, you dream of directing traffic in front
of one of the local supermarkets.
Women from Iowa and Kansas seem exotic.
When you have time off you go to Guam. "I went to Saipan
last year," you tell your friends.
Some of the friends you first met when you first arrived
in Japan, are now back. Forgetting your own situation for a moment,
you quietly think to yourself, "Boy he can't
get enough of this place now can he?"
You really do enjoy "beautiful communication life," and
are damn proud of it too!
Kevin Burns
Some Interesting Quotes:
"You know you aren't eating well, when you have the Pizza-La
number memorized!"
--Anonymous
"I haven't spoken to God recently, but he did spam me the
other day. How do you report on God?
Do you do it at Yahoo?"--Kevin Robert Burns
A Tokyo Hotel's rules and regulations, remind me not to
stay there:
"All female guests are welcome, please bring own towels
for morning show."
&
"Guests are requested not to smike or do
other disgusting behaviours in bed."
I happen to enjoy smiking. It's one of my hobbies. But
mother always said: "Sure it's fun...
'till someone loses an eye."
"Bruce what the hell are those? They're comin' out of the
walls!
--Westerners confront the dreaded Japanese
Cockroach.
There is a reason why monster movies like
Godzilla were made here!
--Kevin Burns
|
As Butthead once said, "Beavis,
you have to have stuff that sucks to have stuff that's cool."
Geisha
Go Ahead, Hug a Spammer!
It isn`t often that I take the time to thank all of
the people who
Email me. Today I received over 160 Emails and only
two were from
friends. It is so sad that the spammers of today, go
unthanked. I
mean they have a purpose to perform too, and I`m sure
that many of
them are supporting families with their hard work.
Some probably
have dying mothers and dogs with three legs to support.
Just a sec,
I need a tissue.
I just wanted to say, that if you were one of the thousands
who have
contacted me about penis enlargement over the past
12 months, a big
thank you to you! I realize your job must be hard,
and it must be
embarrassing at parties when people ask, "So what do
you do?"
I still remember the brief time I was a telephone surveyor,
what a
tough job that was. I can`t imagine what it must be
like to be a
penile spam merchant. Good luck to you, and I hope
you continue to
serve mankind in the way that God has chosen for you.
Good hunting!
It is nice to know that so many people are concerned
about whether I
can get it up or not. Did my wife contact you somehow?
Oh there I
go again, bein` paranoid. I`m talkin` of course `bout
sportin` a
woody. I`m 40 now, and functioning fine, thanks for
asking! If I do
ever have any trouble in that way, I will be sure to
contact one of
the thousands who have offered me Viagra and the like.
If you ever
have a free sample, I might bite.
As for free porno movies, again a big domo arigato
eh! I am touched.
Really! It isn`t often that you get anything for free,
and I really
believe it when you say that you need my credit card
just for
registration purposes. Like Steve Martin before me
though, I
learned about sex by watching the neighbourhood dogs.
Who needs
movies? I have it live right in front of my house.
Here`s a tip,
ala Steve Martin, never let go of her leg guys! I didn`t
read that
in any "How to Make Love to a Woman," book.
To all my friends from Nigeria. Hey man! Thank you
for your kind
consideration. I would love to have millions of dollars
in my bank
account. Who wouldn`t? It is amazing how much money
you guys have
to throw around. I mean you don`t ever spend it on
yourselves? Like
Bob Barker you`re just givin` it away. Isn`t there
anything you
want for yourselves, like say, fresh water? Two million
dollars
would go a long way to putting in pipes to bring in
fresh water for
a village the size of Mombuko for example.
Boy your government changes every week, and I just
can`t keep up
with all the generals and government officials who
need to get money
out of Nigeria. Are all you guys related? I mean you
all know my
Email address. Sometimes five of ya Email me on the
same day. It
really is like playing Let`s Make a Deal. "Go for the
Army
General!" "No go for the city official!" --the audience
screams.
"So Kevin Burns," Bob Barker mugs to the camera, "which
will it be,
the city official or the army general?"
I just can`t choose who to receive the money from,
and I really don`t
deserve your money.
About getting the greenbacks out of Nigeria, I really
feel a Swiss
bank or one in the Cayman`s would be more helpful,
than some poor
smuck of an English teacher like moi? There are things
like
suitcases you know. Can`t you just carry it on a plane?
I know none of what I say will stop all of you from
caring about
little old me and spamming, sorry! I mean sending me
your Emails.
I could tell you until I am slumped over my delete
key that I don`t
need your money nor a larger organ, but you guys really
do care, and
want to let me know just how rich and huge I could
be. I understand
that. That`s what friends are for.
Just to give you a little of it back, I have subscribed
you all to
my newsletter, where I not only tell you my life story,
growing up a
rich white child (with a black dog named Sheba), in
a small town in
British Columbia; but I tell you all the secrets I
have learned as a
crazy Canuck living in the boondocks of Japan. Not
only how to eat
low level forms of sea life while they are still moving
on your
plate, (Geez Hiroko, that sure is fresh!), but other
more practical
things too!
Here is just one example of what you get by being subscribed
to "Kev`s Secrets of Life." I will tell you things
like:
"Now is your chance to be Governor of California! Anyone
can run!
Even the Terminator! Go for it. Sixty-five signatures
and a few
thousand bucks and you are a candidate. Not good looking
enough to
be governor? You too can get a great face lift (Just
ask Arnold)
and look sexy, desirable, and like a potential California
Governor
in just three weeks, Or Your Money Refunded!
You probably think, wow, "Kev`s Secrets of Life," that
must cost
over a thousand dollars, but hey, It`s completely free!
Just send me
your credit card number for registration purposes.
(Offer not
available in Mombuko, Nigeria.)
(Canadians please include GST, PST, SST, EST,and LSD).
Kev`s Secrets of Life
PO Box 987A
Mombuko, Nigeria
Kevin Burns, author of "Offers from Nigeria for Dummies"
and "The
Complete History of Quiche"
"You have a friend in Mombuko!"
--John Pennsylvania,
Speech before the White House, October, 1943
If I Were the Prime Minister of Japan
If elected prime minister I promise to do the following:
All cockroaches will be deported to
cold countries like Canada and Sweden where they
cannot move around so fast or scare people so much.
It will take a while for them to be deported so,
in the meantime a "No Fly Zone" will be declared over Japan.
Cockroaches will not be allowed to fly and it will
be enforced by the Japanese Self-Defence Forces and the American
Air Force. I hate it when the BIG cockroaches fly!
Some people will protest, why are you discriminating against cockroaches?
But hey, they don't pay taxes and they eat our food.
Plus they scare me! Isn't that reason enough?
All Japanese will be required to study at my own Kevin's
English Schools. But the bathhouse owners
in Otaru will be banned unless they will let me have
a bath. I promise not to be too "smelly."
If they will let me have a bath, they can study at
our schools, but I will give them a lot of homework.
Natto will be banned! I don't care if it is healthy. It
is disgusting! It is smelly and tastes like dog vom.
Although I uh, haven't uh tried dog vomit, but I
imagine that's what it would taste like. Anyone found eating Natto
will get extra homework!
Yuki Uchida will be my Minister of Finance. Hikaru Nishida
will be the Minister of Foreign
Affairs as she can speak English so well. Hikaru
Utada will sing the Kimigayo at all baseball games.
Akebono and Konishiki will be in charge of keeping
the government from corruption. If anyone
commits a crime, they will be thrown out by the big
guys! Beat Takeshi will be my right hand man,
and anytime I get frustrated by anything, I will
bat him over the head with a big foam mallet to the laughter and
applause of millions on national television. God
I love power already! I can almost taste it!
Former Prime Minister Mori and Governor Ishihara will do
odd jobs around my house. They will be
required to write on the white board in our classroom
100 times everyday, "I love all foreigners. I love all
foreigners. Foreigners are great, I love all foreigners."
Until they are fit to have foreign friends and influence people.
Elect me! Kevin for PM! Ishihara will be required
to write several new books entitled: "The Japan that can say
'Real Lemon'", "I Love Bathing with Russians &
Koreans", and "How to Lie About What You Really Mean for Dummies."
I think all will become huge best sellers. A specialist
will be brought in from California to permanently remove
Mori's foot from his mouth. Total amputation of both
feet is the recommended course of action according to
Dr. Wilson of Anaheim General.
All Japanese textbooks will have to have the truthful version
of history in it. Things like, "We were politely
invited by the Chinese to have Oolong Tea in Nanking,"
will be taken out and changed. As well versions of what happened
at
the River Kwai will be changed from: "We gave jobs
to unemployed Britons and built a fantastic overland railway in
Thailand,"
to give a clearer picture of what Japan did in Asia.
All Japanese politicians will be given intensive English
lessons so that they do not claim to be the American President's
wife and fopaws like that.
All signs in English in Japan will be taken at face value
and all foreigners will be permitted to follow the rules to the letter
and
not be punished. Hotel signs such as "Please take
advantage of the Chambre Maid." is a case in point.
I will not reveal the name of the hotel, that is
my little secret, I should be allowed one as prime minister. Please
don't show
this article to the future first lady! Signs at airports
in Japan saying things like "Aliens report here," will be changed
to:
"Esteemed Guests from other Countries, this way please."
We don't want to confuse Sigourney Weaver when she comes
for my inauguration.
Cute politicians like little Kiichi Miyazawa will be made
into cartoon characters. His cartoon, "Kich-Chan" will rival Pikachu
for
popularity. The Kiichi Miyazawa game for Play Station
2 will be released for the Christmas season. The game will involve
a
character called Mori who drops things all over and
little Kiichichan must pick them up over multiple levels. A golf
game
will be included on level 4.
Smoking will be banned in all restaurants but farting will
be permitted. Special farting sections will be set up however.
"Do you prefer farting or not farting?"-will be the
refrain heard at Denny's from now on.
Anyone found sleeping in their cars while letting them idle
will be woken by special police with blaring horns.
Politicians will not be permitted to go around the neighbourhoods
screaming their names over loud speakers, they will have to say
something of substance at meetings held in public
halls though, which may be very difficult for most of them.
The official motto of my cabinet will be "Let's enjoy beautiful
communication life." After two weeks of debate, deliberation
and in typical Japanese style, a final consensus;
we came to the hard-fought conclusion that this was much better
than,
"Let's enjoy tampon life;" which was already being
used by a Japanese uh, er...women's personal needs company.
Vote for me! I will not let you down!
Kevin Burns in Dreamland
|
Rising Crime
in Japan! It`s
Coming from Unlikely Sources!
In a report in the Mainichi Shimbun: "The report also
analyzed
trends in serious crimes such as murder and robberies,
and concluded
that social factors such as the rise in the number of
unemployed and
bankrupt people had affected crimes, and that the number
of females,
minors, and elderly people committing crimes was increasing.
(Mainichi Shimbun, Japan, Nov. 28, 2003)"
As we can see from this Mainichi Shimbun report, females,
minors,
and them old people are accounting for more and more
of the crime you
and I experience. Ban them I say, send them all to Australia!
We can`t have 80 year olds running around mugging people,
women
harrassing men and minors raiding the toy stores. The
Yen stops
here!
If someone becomes unemployed or bankrupt, there is
a danger of them
commiting a crime. Ship them off to Sado Island I say,
or better yet
give them a job. I hear Nova is hiring and isn`t too
sticky about
whether you are a native English speaker or not.
In many studies of crime in Japan, foreigners are always
found to be
less likely to commit a crime than a Japanese. In studies
based on
crimes per capita, Japanese commit much more crime.
Are Japanese
bad people? Of course not! Do they commit more crime
per capita? Yes
they do. You won`t find that in a Japanese police white
paper but
it is a fact if you study the crime here.
I`m not saying that we should ship the Japanese out
of Japan, it is
their country after all. But perhaps foreigners should
get the comfy
seats on the train is all I am saying. Just that. That
would be
enough for me, especially during rush hour in Tokyo.
Also, I demand
that NHK show English movies in English. I am tired
of seeing Coumbo
speak only Japanese. He can speak English and does in
the original
version, so I demand to hear him speak English!
That is all....for now.
Kevin Burns
Japan Living
Back
to Japan Living
Being in Japan in the Summertime
Means:
Never having to go to
a sauna.
You really can cook your
egg on the sidewalk! "Don't step on it! Can't you see I'm cooking!"
Never letting a Japanese
person tell you: "I like Japan because we have four seasons."
The appropriate
response
to this misguided statement of course is: "You don't have four
seasons you silly Nihonjin,
you have
three: bloody hot, bloody cold, and Rainy!"
Enough frogs or cichadas
(take your pick) outside your bedroom window to wake all the dead
in every horror story
Steven
King has ever written.
The bosozoku are out,
the police in the koban having a royal milk tea, and it is open season
on your ears.
Going through three shirts
before you even get to work.
Beer gardens!
Bikini girls at Enoshima.
When you watch "The Wizard
of Oz," and the Wicked Witch of the West says, "I'm melting!"
It takes
on new meaning for you. You can finally wholeheartedly relate
to her feelings. You have
actually
connected to a witch and you didn't even have to pay for it!
Listening to Africans
complain about the heat and humidity.
Opening every encounter
with everyone with the words, "It's hot isn't it?"
Sitting down and bracing
yourself before checking your electricity bill.
Being in the shade is
just as hot as being in the sun.
Cockroaches the size
of hockey pucks and just as fast too!
Taking two baths a day.
Sitting down and bracing
yourself before checking your water bill.
Praying to the Air Conditioner
God everyday and twice on Sundays.
Kevin Burns
I wish
I had a different last name!
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