The metal detector goes off as I walk in and I am forced to give up my watch to a large guy named Guido.
I didn't argue. He hands me a portable lie detector.
"What's this for?" I stammer.
"All the grads have one, it's so we'll all stay on the level.  We don't want any Romy and Michelle stuff going
on tonight. This is a quality affair."
"Alright gotcha."

God I walk in, and all the women are now blondes, even the Asian women.  I go up to the bar and to my
horror they are only serving American beer. I opt for water which all Canadians know amounts to the same
thing.

Before the reunion I had this nightmare. All my friends were retired and I was still the stockboy at Canadian tire.
I explained to them, "I get free clothes with every set of tires I buy." They weren't impressed. Thankfully it was
only a nightmare.

WWF is playing on the TV monitor and many of the guys are gathered round it cheering, explaining the woman
pounding that guy in the corner is from Surrey. She obviously isn't from South Surrey or that would have been
pointed out.

Boy what a strange reunion and I haven't even really talked with anyone yet, other than the surly former
Canada Customs clerk from Hell's Gate. I go and get seconds of those cute little sandwiches. The waitress
walks by me and says, "pig." I could walk out now, but oh no---- it's Martha, the most boring grad ever. Plants wilt
when she talks to them. She's really nice but she clogs up the conversation arteries with her incredibly dry as
a desert stories about Moose Kidney, Saskatchewan.  Don't get me wrong, Moose Kidney is a swingin' town in
it's own way, but the woman talks and talks about people I don't know, nor care about. I don't want to know
the details of Uncle Herbert's hernia operation.

The homecoming queen walks in with her cane. She's a big assed lesbian but her biker girlfriend is gorgeous.
My attention is drawn away from her though, Guido the killer pimp is voted most successful Grad. I realize he is
the one wearing my watch. Ha ha, the last laugh is on him, it's a casio!

I change my mind about getting thirds of the cute little sandwiches when I realize the entymologist has proudly
displayed his bug collection next to them.  He explains the intricacies of every bug and our aging principal falls
asleep in the tuna casserole.  I try to liven up the proceedings with a bug joke, "I had African Sicklets once, but I
got over it." No one laughs.  I slink off and try to find out what time it is. No one seems to be wearing a watch
except for Guido the killer pimp.  I wonder how he made all that money?

It can't be, it's the beautiful Jennifer, the one I pined for, the one I dreamed of during grade 10 chemistry class
and really every other class too. No wonder I could never concentrate in school.  I go up to her.
"Jennifer I had the biggest crush on you in grade 10."
"Sorry I don't remember you."
"That's okay.  Would you please excuse me? I have to go outside and step in front of a bus."

I'm crushed and try to console myself by talking with my best friend Shane. He pats me on the back and says,
"You look exactly the same." Which loses its' impact because he can't stop laughing. So I've lost a little hair
and gained a few pounds.  He still has a pug nose!

I leave Shane and go up to some grads I never really talked to during high school. I introduce myself and the lie
detector starts ringing. The damn thing won't stop! I feel my face turning red and all the grads gather round me,
staring at me accusingly. The principal wakes up from his entymologically induced slumber, and staggers up to me;
(not realizing he has tuna casserole all over his face).  The absurdity of the situation causes me to laugh hysterically.
Principal Stebbings asks: "Is there anything you'd like to tell us young man?"

I'm saved when Martin Epp draws the attention off me as he grabs the mic and proclaims, "I've seen God and he lives
in Surrey."  All the lie detectors immediately go off, except mine. This quasi-religious experience ends when
Martin is dragged off by Guido to the principal's office, where he must listen to Barry Manilou for the rest of the night.
I remember thinking, I couldn't survive that kind of treatment.

Principal Stebbings grabs the mic and gives a short speech, he draws the loudest applause when he states:
"I'm so pround of this grad class, as half of you are out of prison." Guido doesn't look pleased.  Perhaps he
mistook the bug collection for the hor d'oerves.

That can't be, not it isn't,... Paula Smith, the most beautiful girl at school is now the size of a Smythrite. No bigger than a
Smythrite, that was a typo.

I check the TV monitor, and the girl from Surrey has won the bout and now there's one of those cheap Canadian TV
commercials on--you know the one's where the owner has paid and starred in it himself."I'm High Profit Pete,
and have we got a deal for you! Look at all these cars. Feeling strapped for cash? Don't worry,
you don't pay this year, you don't pay next year, you don't pay ever! We gotta be crazy, we're just givin' them away!"

Some men in white suits come on screen and drag High Profit Pete away.

I lick my wounds and I decide to leave. I gotta get up early and find High Profit Pete's used car lot in the morning.

Kevin Burns

 

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Japan Living 600 Japanese Per Week Take Their Own Lives, Hide Did Too OCD in Tokyo TOKYO — "Six people were found dead Sunday in two cases of suspected group suicide in Fukuoka and in Sasayama, Hyogo Prefecture, by inhaling carbon monoxide from burning charcoal in vehicles, police said. In Fukuoka, the police found a 20-year-old female part-timer from Kitaamabe, Oita Prefecture, a 21-year-old male college student from Fukuoka's Nishi Ward, and another man believed to be in his 20s in the student's minivan on a forest road. In Sasayama, three men were also found dead in a minivan with three charcoal braziers." (Kyodo News)     With an English accent he spoke.  Jet black hair and big black eyes.  He was a handsome young man. If a young man can look distuinguished he did.  Although, I always had a penchant for English accents.     Hide was an English teacher at the ECC English school in Machida, an area of southern Tokyo.  His politeness was in sharp contrast to Don the loud American from Seattle.  Don was boarish where Hide was soft spoken.  Perhaps that was part of the problem.  How was the meek Hide to deal with some of the aggressive, obnoxious "gaijin?"     We had beer a few times after work.  Hide had an attractive girlfriend who lived in Osaka.  He saw her as often as he could.      I liked him for his kindness, self-effacing manner and his sensitivity.  I couldn't imagine him ever hurting anyone.  It was interesting to hear a British accent coming from his Japanese face.     We went hiking one time with his students. Jeff another Canadian like myself, and Hide frolicked in the mountain stream in Tanzawa.  We joked around with Hide's students.  One time I met Hide's girlfriend--a nice lady.     Before Christmas break, on the last day of classes, it was announced that Hide would be the new Assistant Manager. Mr. Tanaka announced it in the staff room.  I turned to congratulate Hide but he looked shocked rather than happy. I didn't think too much about it at the time.     After the Christmas holidays we returned to work and I asked one staff member, "Where's Hide?"   She was embarrassed and said,k "He doesn't want to come to work." Nobody seemed to know why.  The next week I asked when Hide would come to work next and was informed, "Hide is dead."     Some people are too kind and sensitive for this world.  I miss Hide.  I wish he could have talked to someone--anyone about his problems.  He had so much potential.  He was such a great person.  I would have listened to him and tried to help had I known. Kevin Burns